Identifying yourself as gay and disclosing this to other people is often referred to as 'coming out'. There are three main issues associated with coming out: 'Coming out' is a necessary and usually positive experience for most young men who grow up gay. It can take place in the early to mid teenage years. In this period, coming to terms with confusion about identity can affect a young man’s social relationships, school work and self-esteem both negatively and positively. Many young gay men experience critical times when they have to decide who to tell about their sexuality. In making this disclosure they are often fearful of negative reactions, rejection and causing upset and distress to the person they are telling. Sometimes a young man may try 'coming out' to a supportive teacher or a school friend as a precursor to talking to parents in order to rehearse their own part and to judge reactions. Receiving a negative reaction can be very distressing. Support and guarantees of safety are valuable to people 'coming out'. The availability of secure and confidential groups or contacts can be instrumental in reducing anxiety which is only magnified by feelings of isolation. The presence of role models in the shape of adults who 'come out' and those who offer non-judgmental support and help young people access these groups can be important. Positive treatment by, and contact with, role models can also encourage them to feel confident about their future. There are several theories about the elements of the 'coming out' process. Each has its own emphasis but all of them are developmental models which regard 'coming out' as a series of stages. These stages do not necessarily last the same length of time and there is no one age when the whole process begins and ends. These stages can be described as follows:

Sensitisation
In this stage a person generally begins to feel 'different' to other people of the same sex. Sometimes they recognise that they are not very interested in people of the opposite sex but more often they feel they are not really interested in things which are supposed to be appropriate for their sex. Most people report just feeling unusual when they compare themselves to other people of their sex. Commonly this happens before or in early adolescence when friendships and relationships between the sexes begin to change.

Confusion about identity
There are usually four elements which contribute to confusion about identity: Feeling that perceptions of the self are altering; Feeling and experiencing heterosexual and homosexual sexual arousal; Sensing the stigma surrounding homosexuality; Lacking knowledge about homosexuality. Research indicates that most young men first decide they are probably gay between the ages of 12 and 17. At this time they have to deal with feeling that they have changed as have their relationships with other people around them. Some also have to combat the potentially powerful feelings of self-recrimination and disgust that come from describing themselves as homosexual. There are various strategies for coping with this emotional upheaval. Some young men who think they are gay will try to deny it to themselves and even seek help to eradicate their feelings. Others will try and avoid thoughts and feelings which remind them that they have homosexual inclinations. In these situations young men can avoid getting any information about sexuality in order to avoid confirming their suspicions about their orientation. Some young men have great difficulty in managing their relationships with peers and family. They may avoid situations in which they may encounter opportunities for heterosexual pairing so that they are not forced to deal with their lack of sexual interest in members of the opposite sex or have it exposed. They may, alternatively, persevere with heterosexual relationships to try and 'convert' themselves and/or conceal their homosexuality from others. In some extreme cases young people may try to avoid confronting their feelings by expressing strong homophobia or turning to drink and drugs in order to find temporary relief from them. Finally, some young people fall back on a strategy of redefining their feelings and behaviour in such a way as to convince themselves that it is not really homosexual. For example, they may describe their experiences as a 'phase' or a 'one-off' or they may put them down to extreme emotional or physical circumstances such as the break-up of a relationship or drunkenness at a party. In this stage feelings are becoming more concrete. Young men may well have partners of both sexes and may well find their moods and feelings shifting as they feel more or less certain about their identity. This period often lasts throughout adolescence.

Assuming a gay identity
Clearly, living with confusion about identity is emotionally exhausting and potentially destructive. For some young men this period is followed quite quickly by a stage in which they come to accept their gay identity and are able to express it in a positive way. For young men growing up mixing with other young gay people - in social settings or through support groups - can help them feel able to accept who they are. For some people, particularly in larger towns and cities, gay support groups provide a safe environment for 'coming out'. Elsewhere local and national gay telephone helplines provide a listening ear for people who want support.

Commitment
The final stage in the process of 'coming out' involves becoming openly gay and recognising that it is a central aspect of, 'who I am', and, 'how I want to live my life'. People begin to feel that homosexuality is a valid way of life and develop a sense of contentment with being gay. They often have the experience of falling in love at this time and, perhaps as a result, feel more confident, fulfilled and able to combat the social stigma that they may suffer. At this time many gay people begin to feel proud of their sexuality. The expression of this pride in being gay is a powerful force in challenging the stigma attached to homosexuality by people with prejudiced attitudes and provides positive role models to others less sure about 'coming out'